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[03 Nov 2009|02:08pm] |
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Everywhere I go I keep recreating the same identity, carrying with me the same timidity & shame & inhibition, the unhealed scars from repeated betrayals, flimsy declarations that disintegrated with the slightest tension. I’ve come to accept the nature of your absence as a trick of the mind, a quality I’ve exaggerated or dwelled on because of my fixation with you and every thing that is you. But there is something gently devastating about forging on while fully aware of the rocky path that lies ahead, marked by the same dangers of distance, the heavy presence of the unspoken, tiredness, doubt, half-truths, idleness, forgetting. Every memory remains sharp and fresh at the forefront of my mind, a wash of undeniable love & nostalgia; skin-on-skin, shows, amusement parks, songs by the weakerthans and jets to brazil, single bed for two, making love all day & never getting out of bed, reigning in 2003, rings from pinball petes, nightly calls, hulkamaniac underwear dances. This will be ours forever, whether we like it or not, our paths will always coincide.
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[24 Jul 2009|06:59pm] |
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"And nobody has to say a word, every traveler knows; like the wise migrating bird, you go where summer goes."
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[12 Mar 2009|10:05pm] |
locked.
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[05 Jun 2008|11:49pm] |
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today, john and i went out for an early dinner and went to some park in ypsilanti and walked a 1 1/2 mile bridge over water and watched turtles swim and swans eat and big fish jump. we then ventured to get cream from jmh and people watched in the diag and put our feet in a huge chinese fountain and walked barefoot until we bought flip flops because vans just don't do the trick when you're getting your feet wet. today was beautiful and epic and it just made me feel fucking good. i can already tell that this summer will be unlike any other. i want to continue to write about days like these so in later years, i can look back on these beautiful days and smile and remember what fucking brilliant friends i had. i hope i always know these beautiful human beings and i hope i continue to use the word fuck because it fully gets my point across.
right now i'm sitting on jessicas bed alone, waiting for her to get home. my tattoo itches and i need a shower. lalalala. NOTHING MATTERS!
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone. and your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
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[05 Jun 2008|01:59pm] |
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i suppose i'm just going to live my life and wait for the day you decide you want to love me again.
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| living by the hour, i stop for every flower. |
[02 Jun 2008|12:20pm] |
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jets to brazil- sweet avenue. |
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I'm wearing a mustard yellow night gown and I just came in from sitting on my Porch. I was writing in my notebook and watching the cars drive by and crying and thinking and just fucking being sad. Why is it that when I'm Downriver I get this rush of sadness over me that I just can't shake? I believe it's all of the familiar places and or faces I see. Every inch of my home reminds me of days I spent as a teenager crying over angst or being with the one that kept me happy. My home reminds me of days when I'd sit on the Internet for hours crying over things he had written to spite me, hurt me, or things he had done thinking I would have never known. I came in my house today and went straight to my computer and logged into my old live journals and read posts that made my heart fall straight to my butt. Was I seriously that happy? and was I seriously that sad? Looking back at it now I wonder if I should have just let it go the first time I said goodbye to him. If I would have just done that, he would only be a memory to me now. "Oh, I knew him, I dated him for a month when I was 16 years old." Those damn eyes and those fucking words never ever gave me a chance to let him go. Now, I'm stuck with my constant reminder of him, I can't even write a thing in any journal of mine without something being said about him and our love. I wonder if he will continue to ruin my chances at happiness without even knowing it. When I think of the happiest time in my life, I think about red light kisses and sitting next to my boy in my car watching him pat his chest to the beat of some song. When I think about happiness, I think about his voice and the way I felt every single time he spoke or said 'I love you.' There isn't one god damn boy I could think about spending my days with. I wonder every single day how he could have replaced me so easily? I wonder how he can forget about every good thing we have done and felt, how he can forget that we promised each other that we'd die loving each other. I wonder how he can tell her he loves her and wake up next to her every morning when I can't even think about kissing another boy.
I'm listening to Jet To Brazil 'Sweet Avenue' and I'm sobbing so much that my nightgown is getting soaked. I just want to go back to when we were 16 and start over and relive every single love scene. I want to feel that feeling of being whole again. I want to feel you and let you know how beautiful you are. I want to stop playing the role of 'tough bitch rene.' and just be completely happy again. Fuck me for being so fucking pathetic.
cinderblockrain
"I'd say there wasn't anything I'd want nor had to bring. Nothing, but you. The only thing to sustain me. The only thing to get me through. You wont lose anything, beautiful. Unless you choose to. I'm yours forever. Forever."
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[01 Jun 2008|08:00pm] |
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cooking dinner with my mom and brothers girlfriend is so funny. i made shish-ka-bobs and potatoes and laura made shrimp scampi and mom made kufta? and pasta salad. i'm not sure as to why i'm writing tonights dinner menu, but maybe it's because i want to always remember days like this; days where mom and i are making dinner and singing to the beatles and dad and brother are doing yard work and baby brother is skateboarding and baby sis is texting boys on the front porch. days like these remind me why my family means so much to me.
in other news, i'm really starting to get sick of receiving phone calls letting me know the next friend who has passed. i don't understand why this keeps happening. its like no one has learned a thing from dannys death. it's as though they have brushed off what happened and still continued to live their lives of shit. one month and fifteen days later we lose Rhode. i just want to grab everyones collars and shake them and tell them to WAKE THE FUCK UP. fuck cocaine, fuck heroin, fuck xanax, fuck vicodin, fuck mehtodone, fuck every piece of shit downriver that uses those drugs.
i just want to stay in jessicas room for the rest of my life and dance like an idiot to fugazi and the ergs! 4 times a day. nothing matters anymore but jmh, dtm, jsd, jjd, frankO and marcO. i don't even have the time to like boys anymore. my friends mean too much to me and i'll never ever settle, so that means if you're a boy with a beautiful brain and beautiful words with bright eyes and an amazing record collection, you have a shot with me. i don't see myself finding anyone worth my time for a long time and you know what? i don't even care.
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[25 May 2008|04:14pm] |
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saves the day- this is not an exit |
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this weekend was the epitome of everything beautiful in my life. i forgot how amazing my friends were. i forgot how alive i feel when i am with them. friday was magical and i enjoyed every second of walking around ann arbor in acid wash jeans and having jessica tell me i look like a mom from behind and going to hogwarts and laying belly up to the clouds, picking out the big dipper with my best friend.
i've never laughed so much in my life, i really had a constant side cramp from laughing my asshole off. tigers in jessicas bed and story telling by candle light with the boys and just fucking having GOOD CLEAN FUN. i realized that no matter where my life takes me, i'll always find myself back with the people who mean the most to me. i've realized that its time to let go of the past and feel confident in the fact that the people who were really meant to be in my life, still are. i can't wait til' the city of ypsilanti is a permanent fixture in my life and i never have to say goodbye to my sweet friends.
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[24 May 2008|03:53pm] |
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Today I passed you on the street and my heart fell at your feet. I can't help it if I'm still in love with you
Someone else stood by your side, she looked so satisfied. I can't help it, I'm still in love with you.
A picture from the past came slowly stealin' as I brushed your arm and walked so close to you. Then suddenly I got that old-time feelin', I can't help it, I am still in love with you.
It hurts to know another's lips will kiss you and hold you just the way I used to do. Oh heaven only knows how much I miss you.
I can't help it, I'm still in love with you.
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[22 May 2008|12:08am] |
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we found our own little piece of the world, walking back last night, still drunk enough that the stars spun when we layed down. i carried my shoes in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and the water was too pretty to just walk past. we sat down near the shore, nestled underneath a grove of trees, behind the restaurant made of an old train and in between two bridges. he pointed out the big dipper, almost right above us, i looked for the little dipper but never found it. it was hazy out, humid, earlier the air had seemed a little too thick to breathe. we curled together, tangled up, our bodies fit so perfectly. he said, i love kissing you. he said, you make me happy. i said something like, me too.
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[21 May 2008|05:21pm] |
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Sonic opened today on Fort Street. I'm boycotting it because everyone is freaking the fuck out about another god damn fast food restaurant. Another ploy to get us fat, another reason to give your dollars to the man.
On another note, I was thinking about the time I lived in Colorado and we all had been drinking all night. He had to wake up and drive someone to the airport and he was still plenty wasted. I stayed in bed when he left and I woke up 2 hours later, no husband. I remember frantically calling his phone over and over again, no answer. I remember crying and screaming and waking up his friends to try and call from their phone. I called my Mom and screamed and cried to her on the phone, thinking of all the places he could have been, dead in a ditch somewhere. All I kept thinking was he was too drunk to drive and fell asleep driving and was in some hospital somewhere, or dead in a damn ditch. While I was on the phone with my mom, he beeped in, telling me how he had pulled over in a parking lot to sleep before he drove home. I realized in that moment how in love with that man I was. Thinking of him gone made me go nuts and want to die myself. I look back on that now and it makes me wild thinking that I lost someone who I loved so so much. I can't wait for the day I care enough about someone again that I'd give my life for them.
Besides, I'd rather forget the days we spent, than try to stay afloat in shallow water.
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| I took a piss that lasted longer than your manipulations |
[15 May 2008|04:42am] |
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Saves The Day- My Sweet Fracture |
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I called my mom last night she said, "Sweetie, you don't need someone who's more fleeting than fall". 'cause don't you love those leaves? don't you wish the orange stayed forever and Crickets sang in the night all through winter?" and I thought, slow down. think of all the time this jerk has fucked you up and left you down. and hey, I choose my company by the beating of their hearts, not the swelling of their heads. besides, I'd rather forget the days we spent, than try to stay afloat in shallow water.
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[11 May 2008|08:35pm] |
I'm posting this so that when I look back at this journal in 5 years I'll remember what a goober I was. Just like when I look back at my journals from years before and cringe because I was so embarrassing.
"You're unlike any girl I have ever met in my life." Last night shed a lot of light on my life. I deserve to be happy too.
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| nostalgia |
[09 May 2008|12:15am] |
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i met him today 5 years ago. happy birthday, sara hanlon.
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[05 May 2008|10:54am] |
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ted leo- timerous me. |
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I was driving this morning on West Road with my windows down and Ted Leo and the Pharmacists turned up loud, the warm air and the sweet music on my radio made me drift back to the days when I really felt alive. The days when nothing mattered but laying with you in your bed, tracing your skin with my fingertips and just breathing you in. It brought me back to the days where we'd drive in my little Escort and you'd put in Weezer and you'd pat your chest to the beat of 'Why Bother?' and kiss me at every red light. It brought me back to the days when we'd kiss in the slide at the Park and promise each other that we'd stay that way forever. You always had the most amazing way of making me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I'm still certain a love like we had will never be found again. I'm still certain that you and I were meant for each other. With all of the fighting set aside, we were in love with each other. No matter how many times we both drifted away, we always seemed to find each other again. There still isn't a day where you won't pop into my brain, a song or even driving past Olive Garden still brings a smile to my face. Last week I stood front row and sang along with Saves The Day, I kept wishing I would turn around and you'd be behind me singing along with that loud voice of yours. I can't really remember what it's like to hold you anymore, I can't remember your smell and the sound of your voice has been gone for awhile now. I'm going to die loving you and I'm going to die with every single beautiful word you spoke to me. Maybe one day if your life doesn't go as you have it planned right now we can meet again. We can meet again and I can look at you and say "What took you so long?" and kiss you and forget about whatever happened in between. You and I are corresponding shapes. You are my missing puzzle piece. You're my happy ending. I haven't gotten over this, I just learned to live with it.
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[04 May 2008|05:53pm] |
I'd say "take it off, you're embarrassing me."
No need for reminding. You're still all that matters to me.
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[30 Apr 2008|11:39am] |
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Last night I dreamt you called from Costa Rica. Every single night before I sleep I tell him I'm sorry. What are our lives going to be like without him in it? will we always feel this void in our minds and hearts? will I always cry when I think about that sweet smile? I fucking love you Danny. I'll never make sense of this.
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[16 Apr 2008|02:05pm] |
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four oclock in the morning i observed him with his nose pressed lightly against the window of my car, his scarf is black and grey and wrapped around his face, his hands are tucked tightly into his pockets and his eyes are squinty trying to look inside. he pulls his scarf down just enough to expose his mouth to huff some warm air onto the car window, slowly his left hand moves from his pocket to the window and he scribbles "i ♥ u."
i sigh.
i roll down the window, i inhale, i exhale, i inhale deeper, i exhale heavier, i breathe quietly why did you write that with a period? he takes his other hand out of his pocket and holds my face in the palm of his cold cold hands and leans his forhead against mine, "a period is put at the end of a sentence to show that the thought is at an end, what i mean is, in the end, i really just love you a lot. and a 'period' can also mean a large interval of time, and in which case, i want to spend it with you." i turn the car off and step back into the cold with my body press closely to his. it's my turn to hold his face in my hands now, and rub my face all over his and his scarf that smells like fresh laundry, okay, okay, okay. i'll stay, i'll stay if you make me waffles in the morning and promise to always write i love you with a period at the end. he promises, swears by it, crosses his heart with his index finger.
and i believe it,
and i woke up in the morning to warm waffles laying ontop my belly and a smiley bright eyed boy with brown hair and blue eyes. my small tale of true romance.
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[01 Apr 2008|01:48pm] |
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I drove past the Airport last night, I found myself crying and thinking about how I would sob every morning on my way to work because I'd think about the day you'd be on your way home to me. I have learned to live without you. I've learned how to tuck our love scenes safely in the back of my brain. They always sneak out when I see something beautiful or hear a song that makes my bones shake--because that is what you would do to me.
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[31 Mar 2008|02:17am] |
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I wonder when my brain is going to let me have a crush again. I forgot what that feeling feels like. I do remember it was a feeling I'd much rather feel again. I'm afraid I don't know how to feel romantic anymore. It doesn't even appeal to me right now. It's my time to heal and learn to love myself fully. I just want the Summer Sun to warm my skin and my days/nights with Jessica to never end. All I need are my beautiful friends. I'm content and I like it.
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